So Stressed Out You Don’t Know What To Do Next? Try Talking to ‘Parts’ of You

As the scientist who put this together, he also looked inside. “I saw them in myself. Oh my God, I have them too,” he recalled.

The basis of the IFS model is that our minds are not one entity. “We are all multiples,” Schwartz said. We all have many ideas inside – for example, people tend to identify with the inner critic, the worrier, or the fighter. And some parts often dominate our lives, while others are more hidden. IFS teaches the process of accepting all parts of yourself, making them fit and finding a sense of wholeness.

Component work has exploded in popularity recently – with a growing number of books, apps and social media accounts highlighting the program. There are now more than 6,000 IFS certified therapists and doctors.

IFS is used by therapists working on a wide range of issues, from couples therapy, dealing with the death of a loved one, or other trauma.

Some therapists say popularity has overtaken the evidence base and call for more research. There are a few small studies that show IFS can benefit people with certain problems, including PTSD symptoms and depression; pain, discomfort and stress from living with arthritis; and depression. And more studies are underway.

For Seth Kopald, component work was important in managing his anxiety, as he began to realize that it stemmed from a childhood fear of feeling unloved.

With IFS, she was now able to acknowledge the wounded child inside, and begin to release the pain and shame.

“There’s a big difference between saying, ‘I have anxiety and fear versus fear, I’m here and anxiety,'” he said. And in that realization his natural state of “confidence, courage and compassion” resurfaced. “It’s like I have a new operating system now,” Kopald said.

So, if you’re going through stress – about a relationship, a crisis, or any life challenge – you might want to learn more about the function of the parts. Here are the highlights of how the IFS process works.

1. Quiet your mind and look within

Another way to start getting to know your parts is to listen.

Sit still, as if you are about to meditate and notice any bodily sensations that arise. Do you feel a sore neck, tight chest, sick to your stomach? Do you see scenes or images from the past? First are the parts that may need your attention. Focus on one feeling or image — open up and ask what it wants to know.

When Seth Kopald tried this, he felt fear throughout his body and saw images of old movies in his mind – ugly divorce scenes, couples fighting for children. He was communicating with the part of fear that ruled his life at that time.

2. Start a dialogue with your parts

At IFS, the law says there are no bad parts for us. Each of them can give us useful information.

Kopald began to realize that his anxiety and worry is what the IFS calls a “protector”, which helps us get through difficult situations. “They were trying to get me to do something—to find a solution to help my children,” he said.

But these parts caused so much anxiety, he was stuck.

The one who was worried was telling him to “do something.” Then there was the critic who asked what he did to contribute to this terrible situation. And the other half was jumping up and down trying to calm him down because of the pain.

These many parts were coming together, which is a pattern that can happen to many of us in times of crisis. It’s like loud instruments playing without a voice, Kopald said, citing a metaphor often used in the IFS.

If you find yourself overwhelmed by the cacophony, try starting a dialogue with your parts: What do you want me to know? What do you want to show me?

And when you learn more to work with your parts, you can start to become a leader, or a conductor, Kopald says, bringing out each instrument in harmony..

3. Take up space

IFS teaches you to “disassociate” the noise of these competing components. Kopald remembers the moment she first gained perspective on her concern for her children, seeing them as just one part.

“That’s when it really hit me that the anxiety I was feeling was part of me, but it’s not everything As for me, I felt this calm coming over me,” he said.

This was the beginning of success for him.

If you want to try this, ask the loud part of you: “Can you give me space to talk?” For Kopald, instead of feeling like he was that scared, worried child, he came to a place where he felt he was sitting with that child, helping to comfort him.

4. Deal with pain from childhood

IFS teaches that we all have it exile parts that cling to traumatic memories, many from childhood. Since it is easier to hide negative feelings than to face them, these exiles – as the name suggests – can remain locked inside.

IFS founder Dick Schwartz says that parts of the exodus can begin in times of crisis. But he says, “these are often the most sensitive and loving parts of us.”

As a child, Schwartz struggled in school, which frustrated his father – a prominent doctor and researcher. “So he was very embarrassed,” Schwartz said. He remembered his father saying things like, “Dicky, you’re useless,” and the pain was buried deep.

He allowed himself to remember those events from childhood. “I can actually walk into that scene and have” a wounded boy, Schwartz said. By doing so he felt distrust and fear and shame removed, what the IFS calls “unburdening.”

For Schwartz this unleashed a playful inner child. “That was missing from my life before I released that part,” he says.

This part can be difficult to do on your own. Exiles will sometimes bring you back to painful scenes, and show you painful memories. Kopald says that if you feel the pain of exile, you can say: “I know you are there – I am not taking you away.” You can ask them to share their story, and if this is too intense, you may want to contact an IFS therapist.

5. Take a U-turn

Kopald says his health is much better now. He has a loving relationship with his children and has remarried. He is now a certified IFS practitioner, has written a book on IFS, Self-Leadership: Living a Life Connected to Yourself and Others. But, he still has times when life pushes him too hard or throws him too much. When this happens, you use a technique called a U-Turn. The U-turn is a job to get an idea.

If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk – or feeling like everything is falling apart, take a moment to notice what’s going on inside, look within. Kopald says he will ask himself: “Wait a minute, who will take me now?”

In other words, you see what part within you is causing your anxiety, fear or indifference. Then you can say, “Hey, I got you. Can you just trust me to be here?” kopald says.

6. Turn on the light inside

When you are no longer dominated by the cacophony of parts, then your true self can emerge, according to the IFS.

In IFS, Self is the parent or leader of your system, providing love and protection to all parts of you.

Seth says you can think of the Self as the sun, which is often covered by clouds, that is, parts of you. Remember that the sun is always at its best, even if it’s cloudy. So Kopald says, like clouds parting, “we can remove the things that block our light.”

For Kopald, this made a big difference. “I tend to live more in my light,” he says. And you feel more clarity, compassion, creativity and calmness.